“Lecheng pag-ibig 'to...” (from Pare Ko by Eraserheads)
Part 2: Analysis and Observation
An ice breaker before I start: I remember when I was a teenager, 10 years ago, I was so much elated by the victory gained then by Miriam Quiambao, who on the 1999 Miss Universe Pageant was proclaimed 1st Runner-up.
Well, one notch higher before the most coveted title but still she gave the Philippines a spot in that prestigious beauty contest, at least.
Her victory created a euphoric admiration on me, developing an intense infatuation at her, like the one I'm experiencing now for Chinita, the flight attendant.
I had an oppurtunity of seeing her in the flesh. One Saturday in August that year, I attended a fashion show at Waterfront Cebu City Hotel, where she was guest of honor. There I saw Ms. Quiambao in person, her tall height noticeable, and when I approached and got so close at her, I felt like I floated in the sky, with she as the rainbow on the background. Gosh, teenage infatuation sticks to your mind and it creates fantasies that obscures your mental reality.
Despite that I never got to have pictures with her as a souvenir that night, I managed to get an autograph from her, signed on the album cover of
Wolfgang's Serve in Silence (one of my favorite Pinoy rock albums of all time). That was a once in a lifetime experience that forever will be part of my history as a person who fancies on everything, including famous people.
Seeing Chinita was also a once in a lifetime moment for me, though I failed to get my most desired thing from her. Explanation on this later.
Now, did our present bet in the Miss Universe, Bianca Manalo,
made it big for this year's pageant? Did she made the same feat as Miss Quiambao did a decade ago?
Sadly, she never even made it to the top 15 semi-finalists during the contest.
Well, how dismaying.
By the way, it's noteworthy that Miss Manalo is also a flight attendant, and perhaps Chinita and her know each other, since they're both with the national flag carrier.
But I don't have intimate feelings on Ms. Manalo, honestly speaking. Only to that tall, charming attendant I call Chinita.
Now, let's start Part 2 of this essay. But I will summarize Part 1 first.
A look back
On Part 1 of my essay, I recounted my experiences when I saw and took a moment of charm on the flight attendant I call Chinita. The emotion I felt when I met her even only once had a lasting effect on my mind, to the extent that I went on an unusual infatuation towards her. At the same time, to make this feeling balanced, I made some items then I sent out for her, such as a two-page letter and a poem, along with friend requests with her on Friendster and Facebook. However, despite all efforts I exerted just to ask for her friendship, she never gave attention to my only wish, much to my dismay and frustration. Until the time came suddenly, as a result of my constant sending of messages on her at Facebook, that somebody who claims as her boyfriend took a dig at me. After realizing my efforts were all frustrated, I decided to let go of my intention of being friends with her.
Now on Part 2, I will do my best to observe and analyze, with the dissecting of facts and giving insights on every aspect of my recent exercise of trying to make friends with the girl whom I was aquainted only once last summer, on the last Thursday of May 2009. What is my motive behind of trying to get close on her, my analsyis on all the efforts I have done on the hope that she will accept my friendship, my trade of words and arguments with her boyfriend Dranreb, including my self-interpretation of his messages to me on Facebook, my saying goodbye to both of them, and even the reasons why Chinita outrightly dismissed my friendship plus the possibilities if I continue to insist of seeking it from her are all in store here in the Analysis and Observation part of my essay. I hope everything that I will present here are complete, and if possible, minimal use of offensive words. But I will write here according to the stroke of my feeling every time I enumerate my experiences, this time with explanations through analysis and observation.
The prize of infatuation I got from her was a very bitter one...so much of it.
Now, I continue with my writing...
My impressions on her. After I saw Chinita last May, with my sudden admiration for her on my mind, when I arrived in Manila, I immediately looked for her name on Friendster (my father has his own PC at his apartment in Paranaque) and when I located her profile (it's private, so others can't fully view it), I sent her my short message, and it read as:
To:
(Chinita's real name)
Date:
05/28/09 11:30 AM
Subject
hi.......good day......
Message:
ahm,ako po yong passenger sa (flight code) cebu-manila route early this morning......ung may suot na red cap...
at yung nag-ask sa iyo for a while b4 i left the plane...
i hope ok lang sa iyo na hinanap ko profile mo sa friendster...gusto ko makipag-friends.hope it's ok w/you......
BTW, i'm (my name) from cebu city........
thanks for your time.........
This was my first communication for her, as I start my pure and honest intention of getting to know her. My heart pumped with excitement as I located her Friendster profile and eventually introducing myself to her, this time though informally, since I did not do that when I had a short moment with her aboard the plane. This is the time I want to fully express my interest of being with her. More on this later.
Meanwhile, I will analyze first the short conversation we had.
I feel much regret why I did not have the courage to say what's really on my mind when I stood beside her before I left PR 844. Instead of a meaningful talk, since this is a way to mark a good impression to someone whom you are attracted or you want to be acquainted with, I only made myself engaged with a petty and unimportant coversation with her, only saying “thank you” on her after she greeted me with compliments on riding with them, and asking her if where is she from (See part 1). Gosh, until there only...nothing followed. Almost a first impression and even a chance of knowing each other, but I was strangely tongue-tied. This is where infatuation built up on me.
I would like, if given a chance to turn back time and return to that almost decisive moment between me and Chinita, to change that conversation into this one, a better scene (this is purely a product of my vivid imagination, being a Daydreamer myself):
Chinita: Thank you for riding...
Daydreamer: Thank you...Ahm, have you been with this airline for a long time?
Chinita: Well, not quite...i have been here since last year...
Daydreamer: Ah ok. That's good. I hope you do always have a wonderful time being an stewardess...
Chinita: Thanks for your compliments, sir.
Daydreamer: Oh! By the way, don't call me sir. Just call me (my real name). Ahm, what's your name if you don't care?
Chinita: Ha ha ha...Ok ****. I'm ******...
Daydreamer: Yup. Nice to know you, beautiful lady. From where are you?
Chinita: Just here in Manila. How 'bout you?
Daydreamer: I'm from Cebu...Hmmm, may I ask your Friendster add?
Chinita: Yes sure....here it is...
Daydreamer: Okay. Thank you.
Chinita: If you don't mind, what will you do here in Manila?
Daydreamer: I'll just have my vacation here. I haven't returned to Manila for 12 years now, and this is my first time to come back...
Until we both forget that it's time to leave the plane...because we're the only ones left...
Gosh, this scene might have been possible had I was courageous enough to tell what I thought of her...But it's way too late already...past is past.
I, being naturally a friendly and nice person especially to women (acting cute sometimes, especially in situations where I want to know someone), exercised my usual gesture of being a gentleman when I saw Chinita. But, something went wrong when I did that...I lost some words when I was beside her!!!
Now, on the real conversation we had, was that meaningful? My answer to my own query is a big NO, obviously. Why? The words I told her were all trivial, more like of curiosity than my true intention of knowing her. That moment would have been a decisive point for me to know her, my only oppurtunity that I can at least express myself to this charming, beautiful woman.
But still, I hoped for other ways that I can express myself for her.
My reason of looking her on Friendster is that I want to still introduce and make myself open to her, as my intention of making friends with her is becoming apparent on my part. When I found her profile, damn, I was not mistaken; the first profile that went out is hers truly, because I was able to remember her attributes clearly. I saw her face there—the face that got me carried by its possessor's beauty and charm, and the one that had me thinking of her for a period of time, thus, my intention. But what happened? Later I will tell...
I found in her the charm, grace, towering figure, and most noticeably, her eyes that fits my description of her: Chinita. She has a Chinese look. I guess she stands 6 foot or above 5'7 or somewhere on those, even if she doesn't wear high-heel shoes, like she did when she performed her duty aboard. I also noticed her somewhat deep voice when she talked with her colleagues, done her rounds on the airplane by calling on passengers, handing newspapers, food and drinks, and when I conversed with her shortly. When she did her duty and I saw it, I spoke to my mother: Ma, that stewardess is tall, right? She's also pretty.
Oh, I was immediately struck by her gracefulness and beauty.
Human nature, it is.
Hence the start of my journey of infatuation with that woman.
I have a guess regarding Chinita. Maybe, before she was hired by our national flag carrier (I can say that this airline company is fortunate to have employees like her who serve as flight
crew, thus more passengers will be enticed to ride with them, or so I thought.), she had some experience as a model or beauty queen. Well, if that's the case, I can see it in her appearance. But this is only a mere guess because I don't have solid knowledge of her, and I can only and always remember her as that charming stewardess. Had she accepted my friendship, by now we could have shared even the most secret of us, our love life experiences included. But the sad thing happened.
Later I will explain this.
Para sa Crush Kong Stewardess. This is Daydreamer's very own poetic take for Chinita, one result of my admiration for her. It has a simple tone but I believe it has the character of expression—an expression of my admiration on Chinita's beauty and the job she demonstrated when I saw her. I wrote the poem on the wee hours of June 7, first by writing various drafts of it, until days later I came up with its final, clean version. On June 10, I encoded the poem, adding a graphic design of a blue-uniformed flight attendant (this is a sharp contrast because her cabin uniform is colored khaki, though the female flight attendants has another uniform design, colored blue on the upper part when they don't wear the khaki color) as the backdrop of my poem. I had it laminated the next day, and sent on June 12 through my mom who at that time went to Manila.
Para sa Crush Kong Stewardess features a man's personal experience as he was embarking for his vacation, and as he rode the plane, he suddenly saw a beautiful and charming flight attendant, thus he was instantly touched by her presence. And the rest of the poem expresses how he felt when he had a first impression on that attendant, and his desire and wish to see her “crush” again, along with a sincere invoking that may she take care always when she's in flight.
Well, my own experience, obviously.
I will present a stanza from my poem, which is the most heartwarming part of it. This is Stanza 4. Here:
Lumapit ako sa kanya
At nagkatitigan kaming dalawa
Sa kilig na aking nadama
Tila natunaw ako sa labis na ligaya
nang makita ko siya...
It's heartwarming, right? If Chinita just read and understood this part, I know she will be feeling the same I felt on her (I don't have to presume, though). This stanza shows how I was so much amazed and filled with euphoric infatuation (again, this description) when I got close at her. All I felt when it happened was like I was in a blissful situation with her. And I expressed it fully on the 4th portion of the poem. But the other stanzas also stated the same thought I have for her, though Stanza 4 is the most touching of the poem.
I especially composed this poem just for Chinita, using phrases and words that suit her comprehension, preference of poetic style, and I made it to fit for her job and her personality which I saw. It's written in common Filipino, it has a simple yet heartwarming content, and in partcular the poem states its admiration for her and her job as flight attendant, or stewardess in
sexist term.
My poem, being simple in content but full of expression, serves, as my gift for her, as something that can melt her heart or warm her thoughts, and could even lighten her busy day at work. This is also how I admire someone through poetry, at least she could appreciate my unknown talent. That is why I wrote it, just for her.
But did my poem worked to entice her friendship for me? Find out later...
A two-page letter, plus a long pink envelope. Aside from Para sa Crush Kong Stewardess, I also wrote a letter for her, almost written simultaneously with the poem, where I narrated everything during that time I boarded their flight and especially when I saw her. I also included my email address and personal cellphone number on my typewritten letter, hoping much that Chinita will grant me a chance of making friends with her, despite the apparent distance.
Not to forget, I also enclosed my solo picture, taken at my bed during the night of my 22nd birthday in October 2006. This can also be seen on my Friendster profile.
I placed the letter, poem, and my solo picture on a glossy, long pink envelope wherein I also pasted the respective sender's and receiver's names written creatively, with nice introductions on each part.
Want a sample? On the receiver's name, placed at the center of the envelope, I wrote this introduction, at least to make it attractive when Chinita receives my letter:
To the flight attendant whom I'm so much impressed during our journey last May 28, 2009....
Wow, looks like the person who wrote this has a blurred mind. Doesn't he?
Or he is just carried away by his emotion...he's somewhat in love at her...
While on the sender's name, to make appear his touching thought for the one he wants to send his letter:
From the passenger who until now reminisces that flight...
These introductions on the sender and the receiver's names are truly creative touches that make the envelope attractive to one's eyes, especially if the receiver has her hand on it. But more if she reads the letter and poem, plus keep my picture.
Now, I will focus on one part of my letter. Honestly, it was a two-page letter, quite long in content. I don't have the soft copy of it anymore, after I had my USB reformatted, thus it was deleted. But here I will present some parts of it that perhaps, though I don't really know, got my crush either touched or irritated by what I wrote (this is one of the reasons I saw why Chinita disregarded me and my gift of friendship for her, among others).
Here they are (next page):
“...at the same time I saw you on a corner, I immediately looked at your name plate, and through this I remembered your name...
...maybe that was caused by that something that played on my mind...and that something is probably my feeling of infatuation for you, again if you take it seriously or lightly.”
Serious notes they are, but filled with some foolishness, admittedly.
These are noticeable parts I wrote in my letter for her. I will analyze them now. Going back to my journey last summer, when I rode PR 844, I had this clever act of quickly glancing at her name plate ( I will reiterate that I didn't show it openly to her, honestly, to avoid being suspected), thus it stuck to my head until right now. I mentioned this on my letter because I want to be honest to her, so that somehow her suspicion will subside as how I got her name. But maybe when she read this part (I don't really know if she really read and not misinterpreted my letter), her suspicion on me just got worse. I hate to think of it, perhaps she was turned off.
On second thought, I emphasized the term infatuation on her, especially, going back to that flight, I instantly felt it when I saw her, until such time her face stuck on my psychological thoughts. I really infatuated myself at her, as what I have mentioned earlier and expressed many times in this essay.
Another turn-off on her part, presumably. Thus my dismal failure of not having her friendship.
But I wrote that she can take it either lightly or seriously.
This is one of the reasons why I never scored at her, much that she dismissed my offer of friendship.
Anyway, I will state this at the later part of my essay.
Locating Chinita on Facebook, her disregard on me, again, and Dranreb's sudden appearance.
I located her on Facebook on the month of June also, at the time when first semester had just started. As usual, driven by my feeling and intent of friendship for her, I asked her a friend request, same on Friendster, and waited again for her response.
Waiting again, in vain, for her response.
However, on my first try on being friends with her on Facebook, I noticed that...she rejected my request...much like on Friendster.
But I didn't lose hope. All I did was to again send a friend request on her and also, I sent her some messages regarding my change of personal cellular number, and yes, reminding her that I'm waiting for her responses and I hoped that she appreciated my simple sent-outs for her earlier.
What happened? Heavens help me, no response again!!! And it's the second time now.
This happened on June 27. Dismayed by what I noticed, and felt very much frustrated, I sent this message to her, an apparent anger because she has disregarded me quite long already, and I'm tired of waiting anymore.
“it's time to land the plane,after a journey of infatuation...Mga pagkakataon na nakaukit lang sa hangin...Thanks for giving me a try.”
From a neutral point, this message shows dismay and frustration, sent to the girl after the man noticed that she is not interested in being friends with him.
It states the man's apparent impatience on the girl who has been not responding to any of his communication for her. Thus, he sent this note.
It's also becoming obvious, on my part, that the girl whom I long for and to be a friend with is, painful to say, is not interested to know and make friendship with me.
An infatuation clouded with frustration, indeed.
After this, something unexpected came to my Facebook message inbox. It came the next day, June 28, but I read it only a few days later, on July 4. This message made me nervous and shocked by its content.
What is it anyway? This message was sent by a man. In his Facebook profile, his address is San Diego, CA.
Enough of the suspense. I already mentioned this earlier in my essay. He is no other than Dranreb, a man who claims as Chinita's boyfriend, or nobyo.
Surely, Chinita deliberately let him take a dig at me, so that he can stop me from what I am doing. This is a very unfair act for me.
His sudden appearance on my profile sent some sort of chills on my spine, to the fact that he says that he is the boyfriend of my main interest.
But so what if she has a boyfriend? There's nothing wrong in making friends even to women who are in an intimate relationship with men as long as the friendship doesn't interfere with the woman's love life.
Dranreb vs. Daydreamer: argumentum ad hominem. Exchanging messages with him on Facebook involved, maybe intentionally or unintentionally, some verbal barbs, from both my and his part. We exchanged words that were considered inappropriate and offensive. This result , instead of trying to settle properly our disagreements over Chinita, became personal attacks between the two of us.
Argumentum ad hominem. Attacking the person instead of the real issue.
But I also stressed to Dranreb my arguments and reasons. It's up to him if he believes or not.
An attack between the sovereign and the lowly subject.
I do not know if how Chinita reacted to this “duel” of two men—between her boyfriend, and someone who admires her.
Now I will present his messages he sent on my Facebook profile on June 28, July 26, and August 3, respectively, plus samples of my reply on his corresponding messages:
Dranreb's Facebook message, June 28, 2009
“Hey man, I'm ******'s boyfriend. I know 'bout your infatuation for my girlfriend, but I would appreciate it much if you could just leave her alone. Don't be offended, but she doesn't want someone messaging her and sending her things. I hope you understand that. Good day.”
He sounds like a toughie here.
This is Dranreb's first message to me, obviously Chinita asked him to strike at my profile because she got disturbed by my persistent sending of messages on her.
When I first read this message, I immediately sensed something on it, being such as our minds trick on us to think of anything, especially when we doubt on some claim. At the same time, I felt nervous, presuming that maybe he is sending me foul words, but none actually.
In my opinion, since Chinita is a beautiful and charming woman (thus she fits to be a flight attendant), some men can instantly claim or assume that they are her boyfriend. Especially she has a striking figure, many men can assume as such.
Yes, at first (and even until now, though this is gradually fading), I have doubt and suspicion that indeed he is Chinita's boyfriend. My theory is that Dranreb is not really Chinita's boyfriend but is her close friend or best friend, as this was further reinforced in my mind when he did not give just a single detail on his relationship with Chinita.
But again, this is only my theory. I really have no idea.
In the message above, he takes a “toughie” dig at me, proudly telling me that he is Chinita's boyfriend, and that he asks me to leave her alone. Another part in his message that made me want to lash back at him immediately (in a gentle manner) is “she doesn't want someone messaging her and sending her things”. When I read this, damn, I felt like heaven and earth moved upon me, pressing me very hard. My effort of sending a letter and poem for my crush instantly became wasted as he stated that.
So he wants that Chinita, his girlfriend, not being touched or befriended by other men?
He is possessive, frankly telling.
But I am very sure that Chinita has many male friends. And if she is a serious person on a relationship, she should not play with some of them, to make it real that she is a one-man woman to her boyfriend.
Given this situation, they are on a long-distance relationship, I presume, because Chinita is here in the Philippines while Dranreb is in the United States (as suggested in his address on Facebook). They communicate only by computer or even cellular phone.
That's my insight about them and their relationship.
Anyway, back to Dranreb's first message, I replied it on July 9, almost two weeks after he sent his message. In my very long message to him, entitled “So Much For One Person”, I stated my
intention of friendship to his girlfriend (with the emphasis on “infatuation” that probably got him also irked), the events that happened when I saw her, plus the things I devised as part of trying to catch her attention and friendship for me, my dismay over her passivity on my intention, and especially, I tactly expressed that “to have her as my inspiration is my personal prerogative”.
On their relationship, I asked: How many years are they as lovers and how is it going?
But Dranreb never answered this very simple question I posed to him, though this is just a check on their love life.
However, my verbal barbs with Dranreb did not end there. The second came on July 26, and this is how it happened...
It's a Sunday afternoon, and as usual, the Daydreamer was in the internet cafe for some assignment using the computer, and at the same time, searching for this beautiful poem written by my best friend in college, “Palasingsingan”. He is a gifted guitar man and poet, and I admire his work on poetry because he is creative in using words while writing poems. One of his works is “Alam Kong Hindi Ako” , and personally speaking, this struck my heart and mind because I can very much relate to its content. It's about a man's desire for the woman he loves, but due to unavoidable circumstances or pride on the woman's part, the man, yearning for the woman's love and attention brought about by her disregard for the man who sincerely love her, says the appropriate words he would say to her if they were beside each other.
The poem is an excellent art form, so to speak. I read it and was deeply touched by its thought. So without apprehension, I forwarded this poem to Chinita, again through her Facebook profile, hoping that she would still give a kind consideration on my intent of friendship for her to accept without doubt. The poem also stands as a reflection for her part.
I sent it at around 5pm.
Hours later, as swift as the guided missile flying the sky down to its specific prey, another message from Dranreb arrived at my Facebook inbox, this time he sounds like an exorcist casting away a demon he senses.
Yeah that's it, because again I sent my 5th and final message for Chinita on her profile.
That is “Alam Kong Hindi Ako”, a beautiful poem she just disregarded, like she did before to me.
He sent his message at around 8pm. And it goes:
“I thought I made it clear that u won't bother her again. Just leave her alone man. Don't u get it? She doesn't like to even be friends with u and she's already taken. And its pissing me off that u still continue bugging her when I asked u NICELY to just stop. Back off man. U already look pathetic. Stop making fool of urself. Okay? BACK OFF!!!”
If on the first message Dranreb sounded like a toughie, on the second, he sounded like an exorcist.
Apparently, he showed disgust why I still send a message to his girlfriend.
And it's his words here that made it loaded. He used the terms pathetic and fool as he took another dig at me. When I read it, of course I was offended and hurt, and if he was just in front of me then I would challenge him to a gun fight!
He takes a .45 caliber pistol while mine is a M60 machine gun.
Duh, only in my stubborn mind.
This is the moment where two minds, two individuals stranger to each other, but with same interest who obviously is the flight attendant named Chinita, exchange different arguments but focused on one woman.
Dranreb argues that Chinita doesn't want to be friends with strangers, while the Daydreamer stresses that she should hear and consider his offer of friendship for her.
Two contrasting ideas. The boyfriend said that his Chinita love does not want to be friends with me, adding that she is already taken (on an intimate relationship), while her admirer only wishes to state his honest intent of friendship for his crush. And this resulted in mere attacks on our respective personalities, thus argumentum ad hominem. Instead of giving each other's points for consideration or weighing the significance of each argument, where understanding the presented points would be an important element in trying to reach for an agreement (thus cool heads would prevail), the two of us called each other unfair or offensive phrases.
Aside from the offensive words stated earlier, Dranreb unleashed his exorcist-like command that I should “back off” from meddling with his girlfriend.
“Back off”. With this, I think Dranreb is a fanatic of Joey de Venecia. I remember before that this was the phrase used against him by Miguel Arroyo.
PATHETIC. FOOL. BACK OFF!!!
Yes sir. I may be pathetic and a fool. But is it my fault if I infatuated myself towards your sweetheart? You know she is charming and beautiful, and it's not only me whom she captivates with her God-given attributes.
I replied to Dranreb's message on the late night of July 31. As an educated and well-mannered Daydreamer, again I argued on my only intention that I want to know and make friends with his girlfriend. But in my second note for him I asked him another question which probably made him serious or laughing on my intention.
“Siguro kung ibang tao ayos lang sa kanya..ba't sa akin hindi? Dahil ba estudyante pa lang ako? I admit I have nothing to prove at her.”
Dahil ba estudyante pa lang ako?
I observed this kind of barrier on making friends with Chinita, aside from other factors. This is one probable but correct reason why she did not give me a chance to be her friend. It's because I mentioned in my letter for her I sent last June that I'm still a college student. I wrote this on the signature line of my letter:
BSEd-Communication Arts III
With this simple truth about my status I mentioned to her, maybe she disregarded my serious intent of friendship right away, if she had the heart to read my friendly letter, because I said that I'm still a college student. And in her mind, a college student trying to be friends with a professional like her would be absurd or unusual. Thus, she never took me seriously.
More on this and the other reasons why she did not accept my friendship on the later part.
Back to my second reply to Dranreb, aside from asking that question, I again asked also if how many years are they together in their relationship. But no reply even on his final message.
And to get even at him, after he called me names on his second message, I wrote this:
“Next time don't throw your tantrums at me, ok?”
Plus I also raised my doubt if why he got to know that I sent messages on his girlfriend's profile by telling him nicely that:
“Now I know..maybe it's you who opens her profile..But I don't wanna have any arguments with you sir...”
On the first part from the top, I reminded him mildly that he should not get mad at me right away just because I sent something to his girlfriend. I just want to make him understand that I'm serious and honest on making friends with Chinita. On the second part above, I showed him my suspicion that he personally opens Chinita's profile to check if I still send messages on it. He can do this, of course, because they are both sweethearts, and for sure they share their personal passwords and e-mail addressess to check and open their respective profiles.
So went my reply for Dranreb.
His last message for me was sent on August 3.
On his third message, here I started to feel something.
Actually, since we started exchanging messages, I slowly felt that I'm losing ground for Chinita.
When I read it, I began to feel that I'm losing my own battle for Chinita's friendship. And though I refuse to recognize it, I noticed that he is more consistent with his words than I do.
How should I know? I recognized by now that Dranreb is indeed Chinita's boyfriend, and he feels her thoughts and emotions as such in a way that they intimately understand each other.
Dranreb's last message for the Daydreamer is:
“Look man, I don't have anything to prove to u. And I don't even need to convince u. Our personal life is none of ur business. She doesn't wanna make friends with u, don't u get the message clear? And wag ka magfeeling pare, wala ka naman dapat patunayan sa kanya. She didn't even read ur poem. She doesn't want to know anything 'bout u...She tells me everything, and forward ur messages to me...She's scared of ur stalker-like acts. I am not arguing with u, I just want to give her her peace of mind. So will u just please leave her alone.”
Actually, he has everything to convince and prove to me that he is Chinita's boyfriend because if indeed they are in a relationship, he can share me even just a few information on their love life. It's not that I'm meddling on their personal life, I'm just asking an innocent query from him, and yet he never answered. But still, I respect him for that. He just wants me to face the hard facts from Chinita.
With this message full of the “doesn't” contraction (also noticeable on his previous messages), I sense the hurt and much insult inside me by the time I read it. Dranreb here sounds as Chinita's boyfriend, without doubt. Though he did not answer my query I asked him on my second message, he has again stressed at me (in front of my face, as if) that his girlfriend does not really want to be friends with me. This is very noticeable, as he has expressed this also on his earlier messages.
Much that his argument is already manifested, and I saw it myself. What a sad revelation.
His argument is right because during the times I regularly checked my e-mail, Facebook, and Friendster, I never saw Chinita's reply to any of my communication through these outlets. Thus, what he stated again on his final message, this time more loaded with negative and hurting words, took a damaging effect on me.
Another noticeable phrase on his three messages is leave her alone. This is his key phrase he has used on me to have me stay away from his girlfriend.
In this phrase he exercises his authority and stresses his role as Chinita's boyfriend. Despite that they are in a long-distance relationship (presumably), he wants that nobody must touch or get close to his girlfriend. Of course, that's a normal conduct to those who are in a relationship, especially if it's getting sweeter or they are about to be engaged, and no matter if they are near or far from each other.
But, questions on my mind still abound.
Questions that would need precise answers because I really have to know the reasons.
Another hurting part in Dranreb's message is that Chinita did not read my composition for her. Para sa Crush Kong Stewardess is a beautiful poem, written just especially for her. But if that's the case that she did not cared to look and read it, then what a sad thing to know such. My one effort to make friends with her by writing a poem was just for big naught, frankly speaking. Or she also just disregarded Alam Kong Hindi Ako, another poem beautifully written by my best friend Palasingsingan. These poetic pieces might have served as a reflection for her.
No due appreciation or respect from her on my written work.
Oh, I almost forgot this: my reply to his message!
I gave mine on the late night (again) of August 7, Friday. By that moment I read his final notice, I was so heartbroken and frustrated that I realized I already had a hard time making friends with Chinita, to the fact that she never replied to all my communication means. Adding to my weariness was when she let her boyfriend stop me from making friends with her, and he too urged me to leave her alone. Now, both of them—Chinita and Dranreb—spoiled my efforts for a serious and true friendship. My honest intent was sealed to dismissal and sentenced to rejection.
I felt already that hard time with Chinita, but because I was at first stubborn, I refused to give up. But this time I saw myself in a desperate position, in which no matter how I tried to entice Chinita's friendship, all my efforts never found heaven for her.
In my final message to Dranreb, obviously I felt down when I typed it, I sincerely apologized to both of them for the unexpected hassle I caused. And, though very painful for me, I told him that I decided to totally stop my intention of friendship for his girlfriend. Again, my last reply to his last message was very long.
I sincerely apologized and totally stopped my intent of friendship. That's it.
I even wished them both a more meaningful relationship, that they will love each other.
And to end my message, I inserted a quote from The Art of War, regarding desperate ground (found on The Nine Situations from the book).
By the way, Dranreb even accused me of scaring Chinita of my stalker-like acts. This made me very upset towards both of them, because it's never in my mind to create any hassle or annoyance, as my only intent was to be friends with her.
Well, every individual has distinct minds. Whatever I see as good becomes something bad or unpleasant to another. This became the scene in the entire time I observed on making friends with Chinita.
On Chinita's part, during those times I looked for her profiles on Friendster and Facebook, and almost constantly sent her messages, surely she had perceived me as a stalker, because she would wonder if why I know her name, especially we are strangers to each other. But I must say that she has only misunderstood me and my intention.
And so went our exchange of words with Dranreb.
When we started exchanging messages, he wanted me to be a loser on my game for Chinita and her friendship. I admit, he has succeeded in doing that, much that Chinita also disregarded me.
More aspects of this on the next section of my essay.
Brace yourself for the next section. I will analyze everything why Chinita never welcomed me into her life.
My soul-searching—Why did Chinita never accepted my friendship? Okay, I hope so far that you are closely following and understanding what I wrote everything from Part 1 until this section.
On my part I know it's painstaking to narrate and analyze all efforts I made, including those exchange of messages with Dranreb, but I voluntarily made this because it's my own way of soul-searching, I mean trying my best to seek the reasons why I failed to catch Chinita's friendship, including my mistakes in showing my intention.
But before I present the reasons, allow me to show first the friendship that Chinita sorely sentenced to rejection.
My gift of friendship for her.
A friendship that could be special, meaningful, and can make her happy and inspired. A single stroke of friendship that can melt or touch her thoughts. But I will clarify that since I only saw her once, although infatuation clouded my mind when I saw her, I have no intention whatever of making her as my own sweetheart.
Yes. Clarification 101.
My gift of friendship for her could either make me stupid or weird if why I presented such to her, or it could give happiness and honor to me and to the one I'm presenting it.
My only complaint is that if only Chinita had the open mind to consider and accept my gift, by now I would have experienced a joyful and beautiful kind of friendship with her, as opposed to what is the reality now. Despite the distance (though Manila and Cebu are only an hour flight away), we both could sustain our friendship through communication lines. And if ever she has plans to have a vacation here in Cebu, I will be more than happy and glamoured to serve as her “tour guide”.
But these nice things will only be until in my dreams. Unless a miracle happens.
She need not to discard my friendship just because the one presenting it is a total stranger or someone who lives in another part of the Philippines. That's why I wanted to know and acquaint myself with her.
My friendship for her is considered special, in such as she has a prestigious job for the national flag carrier, and as a passenger myself, I saw her allure and gracefulness in doing it. My friendship for her is considered meaningful because it's my very first time to present such to someone like her who is in the airlines, and despite of our distance (Chinita is in Manila; I am in Cebu), we could still nurture it by using our cellular numbers, e-mail, Facebook and Friendster. My friendship for her can make her happy and inspired because once it would be in full bloom, every good thing will follow, and it's up to us to find out what these are, had it became real.
With our friendship, both of us can share lessons, past experiences, insights on everything we think of, and yes, our views and aspirations for the future. This is just what other friends do, so why did she have to suspect and throw away my tangible gift of friendship?
And to the point that she even let her boyfriend take unfair digs at me?
What an injustice!
I will return again to that moment when Chinita let her boyfriend lash at me because of my constant messaging on her Facebook profile. When I noticed that it's her boyfriend who sent a message to me, stating that I should leave her alone and that she doesn't want someone disturbing her, I immediately sensed something unfair.
What? It's basically a simple violation of communication exchange. Instead of calling another person to do the simple replying of a message, Chinita herself should have been the one to send me a reply with regards to my communication with her. If she is not interested in my friendship, she can right away tell me that she does not want it, needless for another person to say that to me.
As an old saying goes: Get information straight from the horse's mouth. Through this manner, first-hand information can be obtained, straight from the person whom I am wanting to talk with. However, Chinita did the other way, and her words was channeled through her boyfriend. Thus the information, obviously, would be second-hand already because of the possibility that her words lack essential parts, and it will be distorted, especially if her boyfriend does not cite reasons why she said that as her reply to me.
The best example for this can be found on Dranreb's final message for me on Facebook, in which he mentioned phrases with many negative contractions:
“She doesn't wanna make friends with u”
“She doesn't want to know anything 'bout u”
Okay, I agree with her boyfriend on these statements. But my point is: What are the reasons Chinita, his girlfriend, doesn't want to be friends with me? He never gave reasons for these, since he only gave me second-hand information. And I'm sure of it.
It's disheartening for me to be given these statements but without concrete reasons to fully convince me of such.
Now, on the perennial questions that has long clogged my head: Why did Chinita never accepted my friendship?
Why? What are the possible reasons? Are these reasons significant enough to merit her rejection of my friendship?
Anyway, I will present now the probable but essential reasons why Chinita never accepted my gift of friendship. These are just possibilities but somehow may be true:
Chinita has high standards.
When I saw her aboard PR 844 last summer,she has the beauty and charm indeed. But I think since she has these, and with the big possibility that she is from a well-off family, she upholds high standards, like she prefers friends who are in her social level, and also prefers men who have good looks and physique form, are easy to get along with, have well-cultured manners, and perhaps, who can share with her insights on the future, how to handle mature and serious relationships, and other essential topics in life that she will encounter in her later years.
In my case, when we saw each other, maybe she was not attracted to me because, though I don't have to expound, I don't possess the physical traits that Chinita prefers on men. I admit that I'm not good-looking, I don't have a “hunk” figure (since I am stout, though I am tall), and yes, I am not really engaged in sports (though mountain biking is my favorite exercise or sport, I haven't done this for a long time already), since I am more into things that stretch my knowledge and mental ability.
Despite of these disadvantages, I do know how to be a gentleman to women, and if there is a chance, I grasp the moment to talk and get to know them. But I believe that one's looks or physical features are of no use if he doesn't know how to talk or use proper words and observe manners when he is with someone he admires.
Maybe when she saw me, she thought nothing of me, someone who is not significant, like other passengers whom she serve everyday, except for a few.
But again I have to state that I never did any misbehavior or spoke any offensive words on her and the flight crew when I boarded their flight last May 28. My conscience can prove that.
My mention that I have an infatuation for her.
This was one of the mistakes I saw earlier with regards to why she never gave me a chance to be her friend. In my letter, and in one of my Facebook messages for her, I deliberately mentioned the term infatuation, and that I felt this for her. By this stupidity I made, it probably and maybe exactly turned her off from me, thus she never considered me for her friendship. She has even suspected me as a stalker, which I greatly disagree.
Telling her that I had a crush on her is perhaps the greatest mistake I did when I sought her friendship. If I never mentioned it, then probably she would have given me a chance.
I'm sure it's just alright for Chinita that someone may tell her that he likes or feels a “crush” on her, but maybe she prefers this with people that she knows already for a long time. In my case, since I'm only a stranger to her, she never took my words seriously, and she thinks that I'm only making fun at her. What a hasty mistake I did.
Telling somebody you have an infatuation with must be told at a later time, especially when you get to know each other and be close friends for quite long already.
Different worlds apart.
Another compelling reason. Why I mentioned such? It's because it's very evident that me and Chinita are in very different positions in life, as such we lead different lives, reside in different cities in the Philippines, and we have different minds, yes.
First, we lead different lives. Chinita is already a college graduate and has a career with our national flag carrier (though I rarely travel with them). I am very sure that she also earns a lucrative income from her profession. And because of these, she is far no match for me who is still on college level, who is struggling for good grades and to graduate after years of studying, and who only depends on a weekly allowance of a thousand pesos, thus having Chinita as my friend would be “very expensive”.
Very expensive, I mean, in terms that she lives a lifestyle which is beyond my preference, a lifestyle which corresponds to her way of life and chosen career (I know that some flight attendants tend to be casual, easy-living and lavish when they are not onboard, although this would depend on every individual, since they are also human).
If Chinita and I were on a candlelight date, my one thousand pesos allowance would not suffice for it.
She would find it stupid if a college student tries to make friends with a career person like her.
But this is not bad because the student can learn things from people who are in the real world, and their words can serve as guidelines to students who soon will face the world they are with.
Because of this, citing her present status as a career woman, Chinita prefers to be acquainted or be friends with people like her—who earn incomes, work in various companies especially those which are famous, and wear coat-and-tie or blazer-and-skirt types. She has little regard, perhaps, for persons who only wear cheap, glossy or rough-looking college uniforms. But I hope this is not the case.
Second, we live far away from each other, thus my friendship for her would not have the utmost attention and the touch of our thoughts because obviously we are miles apart. If this is the case, our friendship would only fall to oblivion.
I live in Cebu City, and this is the place where I grew up, formed my development as a person, and saw everything that made sense to me.
On the other side, Chinita lives and is based in the premier city of the country, the place where all action is done—Manila. It is here where she saw the light, saw everything that affected or touched her life and formed her personality, where she educated herself with ideas and knowledge, and where she formed and built her career.
But despite of this difference, I believe that distance should not hinder friendships.
Chinita is a charming Tagala...Daydreamer is a Bisaya of few talents.
Third, I think that we hold different minds. Why is this so? It's because as what I said earlier, we have different social lives. She is already a professional, while I am still a college undergraduate.
Thus, we might not think of same ideas, and perhaps we view things on our own perspectives that would contradict.
She, being a professional already, tends to be mature, serious on her job, and looks to the future with certainty and assurance that she will lead a fruitful life, especially when she becomes a wife and a mother to her family. With these insights I have, I am sure.
I, still a student, have a renegade attitude, hold a rebellious mind (to the extent that we think of doing things our own way, and Chinita knows this), always depend on parents for my daily sustain, and most of all, think for the future by first finishing my studies.
What big differences these are!
But despite of the differences, we can still unite on one friendship, as long as our ideas and preferences are settled together.
Chinita doesn't want to complicate matters by having too many male friends.
Now that she's in a relationship, does Chinita need her boyfriend's consent when anybody, particularly males, tries to be friends with her?
I believe it's only on my case that she called Dranreb to stop me from making friends with her.
But how about other men? Does she consult her boyfriend? Maybe but she is just selective in making friends with other men. Because she is in a relationship, she doesn't want her sweetheart to be jealous or weary if he knows that she has many male friends.
Of course, that would make Dranreb upset on Chinita, and he would suspect that she shares intimate relations with other men.
Gosh, it would lead to their disagreement if that happens.
But I wish them a happy and meaningful relationship now and forever.
My constant sending of messages on her Facebook profile got her irked at me.
This is another fault I must admit. Yes, during those times I sought Chinita's friendship and attention, I unnecessarily sent messages on her profiles at Friendster and Facebook. As I counted them, I sent one message on her Friendster profile, while five messages on Facebook.
I have another wild guess: Probably, if I just did not bombarded her profiles with my messages, then with all probability, Chinita would have given me a chance to be her friend. My only problem during that time was I was just too stubborn and unreasonably exaggerated in trying to be friends with her.
Maybe it came to Chinita's mind that she might have also wanted to be friends with me even just through those mentioned social networking sites, and she might also have replied to my friendly letter for her, but because of my stalker-like acts, she refused outright my friendship.
By the way, Chinita's Facebook profile is already nowhere to be found. Where could it be now?
A result of my stupidity.
Now that I saw the possible reasons if why Chinita never gave me a chance to be her friend, if I held on to my quest of friendship for her, then, what would be the possible consequences?
Again, these are just possibilities:
Chinita would file charges against the Daydreamer.
This was the first idea that sprung from my mind when I felt that I was in an awkward situation with her and her boyfriend. This idea is not impossible because if it happens, Chinita has the solid evidence to show that she has a “stalker” who constantly chases her, albeit not physically, rather on the internet, one who tracked her profiles and sent unnecessary messages on them. Then with this scene, I would soon receive a document with this heading:
COMPLAINT:
********
Petitioner,
vs.
My real name
Respondent
Possible charges she would file against me are either unjust vexation or malicious mischief. No matter if these are criminal or civil charges but the fact is these are charges, and thus if I have them, my name and personality will be tarnished unnecessarily just because of my uncalled-for acts of disturbing somebody.
This is one of the reasons I foresaw during my quest of friendship for Chinita. And I really don't want to be charged with any offenses in courts of law.
Chinita would file me explusion from my university where I am studying now.
This is related to the first possibility stated above. Along with the filing of charges against me, the second possibility is also not far, and maybe I would live the day with a notice at the main entrance of my school that says:
(My name) is expelled from this university. No further recommendations will be entertained.
The school administration will be the one responsible for this action. And thus it's because of my recklessness.
If Chinita read my letter for her, I mentioned my school where I study, at the end part of it.
Serial killers would hunt me wherever I go.
Another trick from my stupid mind. If both Chinita and Dranreb have the tendency to get back at me, they would hire somebody who has the guts and the passion (read: kursonada) to finish off a man like me who, for them without realizing my honest intent, has brought disturbance and fear on them.
But as what I explained on the earlier sections of my essay, my intent for Chinita is honest, true, honorable, and noble.
Even Dranreb, I think, if the day comes that our paths will cross, he would throw punches or even stabs at me. He will have his hands full of my blood if he wants. Thus, I'm good as dead.
A hasty conclusion. Now, on the conclusion of my analysis and observation, generally speaking, from the start that I requested friend requests on her respective profiles, and sending out a friendly letter, until the ultimate thing resulted in her boyfriend's digs on me, I hereby say that my efforts of friendship for Chinita was a total failure.
FAILURE.
Failure. This is the greatest prize my infatuation for Chinita has gotten me. I waited for some time in the hope that she will give attention to my wish, but sadly to no avail. This would have been a golden moment for me—a meaningful and special friendship with my most admired flight attendant.
But what happened? Chinita only put me in hopelessness and frustrated me with my intention, much she gave me hard time in trying to be friends with her. And this made even harder with the presence of Dranreb.
They just badly misunderstood and misinterpreted all my words and expressions.
I admit, with the style I showed to Chinita, would I expect that she will treat me seriously?
I fell down from my own acts because of my recklessness and much stupidity.
I learned lessons from this experience. What are they?
First, it's very good to make an impression to somebody whom you like to be acquainted, but make it sure that it's heartwarming and that you can be able to catch the girl's attention.
Second, it's better not to say anything unnecessary to the girl you admire. Or else, you might end up being dumped.
Third, allow time that you and the girl will be close together, in terms that you understand each other, share your likes, share your personal secrets, and try to keep open minds when things get complicated.
Fourth, when the right time is in, and feelings are telling that you and the girl are ready for a higher level of relationship, say it with intimacy and seriousness.
This essay I'm doing now serves as a lesson not just on my recent try but also this serves as my own guideline on how to deal with situations like this, which is absolutely coming in later times, since I'm young and still kicking. I'll still meet another girl in the future.
An optimistic hope.
My recent failure on my endeavor of friendship has even somehow affected my routines in my daily life. How?
First, though I hate to mention this, during that time I felt the pain and anguish on Chinita's dismissal of my friendship as relayed by her boyfriend, it greatly affected my performance on my recent mid-term examinations last August. On my one subject, I got a very low score on its written test, much far from passing. And I also lost some concentration on my other subjects, though I still did my best to lessen the distraction caused by that unfortunate decision of Chinita.
Second, as in other situations that are breaking or hurting, I felt much down and frustrated on her decision. I had a hard time facing the reality which, I admit, I altered during the moment that I sought for her friendship. It seemed that I no longer had the hope to attract her friendship, as it was manifested earlier.
Third, my mind has developed this negative notion on female flight attendants, and I hope this won't be true. After all, they are just like others who hold other professions. No matter what the work or the social status is, every individual has her own preference on friends, and sadly Chinita has just done that on me.
What a judgment I made. But it's only based on my personal experience and opinion.
According to my one good friend and classmate, man's greatest enemy is reality, and to face it, you must befriend fear—the fear of embracing and accepting reality which is inevitable in our lives.
I have more questions to ask for Chinita. Well, my questions may seem already irrelevant to the fact that she already disregarded me. Anyway, even if seems irrelevant but still it's essential for me.
Can she look and consider the “ bright side” of what she and her boyfriend thinks as a “dark thing” to take- my gift of friendship?
How does she deal with persons who want to be acquainted with her?
Is she really closed to people who wants to make friends with her just because she's in a relationship?
Have she ever experienced that a passenger wanted to know her?
Will she still give me a second chance, despite of my failure and mistakes I did
before?
For Dranreb: What in the world does he see in my offer of friendship?
Why is he too subjective at me? Can he consider my arguments, though we are strangers?
They need to have an open mind to respond to these queries I'm asking to them.
Once both of them will give replies to these queries, I will make it sure to prove that my friendship for Chinita can exist without interfering on her love life. As what I stated earlier, I don't have the intention of having her as my sweetheart but rather I just wish to have a “special” friendship with her, the one I admire much.
Despite of the outcome I faced, is hope still in sight for me?
This is another perennial question that needs a straightforward answer.
The prize of infatuation—a hasty infatuation—is failure.
And I blame nobody but myself.
“Di na ako aasa pang muli."
Marc Christopher M. Labastilla
Cebu City, Philippines
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